ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
