we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
