What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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