Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
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