Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
