I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
