I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
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