I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
