Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
