Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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