he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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