My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
