I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Randomize
