I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
