I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
