Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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