there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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