im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
