i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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