Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
