My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
