Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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