Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
