why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
