I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
