my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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