the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
