Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
