then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
