In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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