The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Randomize
