I can't breathe out the right side of my face
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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