i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
