I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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