she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
