two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
