Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize
