Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
