You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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