I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
