Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize