weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I deserve this hangover.
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