True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize