I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
