you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
stop calling my apartment porn island.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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