Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
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