my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
