I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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