kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
