you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
