so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
