So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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