I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
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