So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize