I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
