Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
