HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Randomize
