I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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