dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
