Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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