mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
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