Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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