wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
being pregnant is like rehab
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
