failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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