He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
