I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize
