So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
a search helicopter?!
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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