Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Randomize
