Apparently you make a good broom.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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