apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize