after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
