I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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