I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
